千米小说网

附录一 What I Believe1（第2页）

BeforeIwas8yearsold，Icouldreadwithverylittleassistahesuggestioher，myteachermademereadTheGeneralMirrover，whirealityageoryofologipiledbythegreathistorianSsu-maKuangintheyear1084A。D。ThishistiedmegreatlyandIsoonbegan，asanaidtomemory，topilearhymedsummaryofthedynasties，emperors，andologicaleras。

Thenonedayinaerboxinmyuncle’shouseIatornvolumeofapartofthegreatnovelShuiHu（TheHundredaHeroesofLiang-shahroughwhilestandingbythebox。IranaboutthevillageandsoonfoundapletesetofthehattimeonIdevouredeverynovelknowninourunityandinthenear-byvillages。Theywerewritteninthepeihua，orspokenlanguage，aelligibleandabslyeaimelife，foodandforevil，aerarymediumwhichyearslaterewhathasbeeheLiteraryRenaissana。

Iime，myreligiouslifeuacuriouscrisis。IwasbroughtupinanidolatrouseandaedtotheuglyandfiercefacesofthegodsandtothefolkversionsofHeavenandHell。asaloudTheElementaryLessonofChuHsi，whichIhadmemorizedwithoutmuderstanding。IapassagewheretheRationalistphilosopherquotedthehistorianSsu-maKuanginanattathepopularbeliefinHeavehequotationreads:“Whenthebodyhasdecayed，thespiritfadesaway。EveniftherebesuchcrueltorturesinHellasg，Burning，Pounding，andGrindihesetobeihissoundedlikegaodoubttheideaofjudgmeh。

Shortlyafterward，IwasreadingSsu-maKuaoryandapassageinits136thchapterwhichmademeahepassageiellsofaphilosopherofthefifthturyA。D。namedFanpioheoryofthedestructibilityofthespiritainstthewholeImperialCourt，atronizingMahāyānaBuddhism。Fan’sviewwassummedupbySsu-maKuanginthesewords:“Thebodyisthematerialbasisofthespirit，aisoionihespiritistothebodyoasharpknife。Wehaveheexistenceofsharphedestruoftheknife。Howweadmitthesurvivalofthespiritwhenthebodyisgone?”

ThiswasmhreasoningthanSsu-maKuahespiritfadesawaywhenthebodyhasdecayed，atheorywhichstilladmitsthespiritassomething。Fandamehespiritasaisonlyafungofthebody。Thissimplifipleasedmyboyishmindanditgladdeoreadthat“Althoughthewholedtrywereagainsthim，noonesurefutinghim。”

Inthesamepassage，FanwasquotedasbeiheBuddhistdoa，orthecausalthroughoutthevariousexistealkingtothePring-ling，whosaidtohim:“IfyoudonotbelieveinKarma，holainthedifferentstatesofoverty，ofhonorandlowliness?”Fanreplied:“Humanlifemaybelikeheflowersohentheflowers，ofwhishtbythesdscatteredoifullydeatsands，whileothersareblowhefenddroppedonthedung-heap。YourLordshipisohoseflowersonthes，andI，yourhumbleservaobeonthedung-hill。Thereisthediffereiohecausal?”

&rineofKarmaisoiialideafromIndiathathavebeeaofesethoughtaheaesemoralistshadtaughtthatgoodnessardedandevilpuinreallife，thisisnotalwaystrue。TheBuddhistdoahastheadvaheeseideaofretributioninthatitalwaysevadetheissuebyreferrieuityofthecausalthroughoutpastaences。

ButFan’sfigureofspeechappealedtomyyouthfulfaneoutoftheismofKarma。ItwasceversusDeterminism。And，asaboyof11，Itookthedrevoltedagaiherehisticatedreasoningonmypartinthosedaysofmyboyhood。Itwasmeretemperamentalattradrepulsion。Iwasmyfather’sson，andSsu-maKuangaedme。That>

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Butthismentalcrisiswasnotwithoutitsisequenmyearlylife。Duringtheivalof1903，Ipaidavisittomyeldestsister，wholived20liaeherhomeIreturhherson，whowasingtopayhistomymother。AservantofhiswasgtheNeresentsforhim。Onourwayhomewepassedashrihuglyandfierggods。Istoppedandsaidtomynephew:“Nobodyiswatg。Let’sthrowtheseimagesintothemudpool。”Mychildishigreatlyhorrifiedmypanions，whopersuadedmetomoveonwiththealreadytdeities。

ItwasthedayoftheLahefifteenthofthefirsmonth）。Whenwearrived，thereweremanyvisitorsatmyhouse。Iwashungryand，whensupperwasserved，mynephewmademedrinkacupriewhichplayedhavocwithmyemptystomach。Iwassaboutthecourtyardandshoutioedowerival。Mymotherleasedachme。Irahemaofwineworkedmorerapidlywithmyrunning。Iwasfinallcaught，butIstruggledtogetaway。Mymotherheldmetightonherlapandmaheredaroundus。

Inmyfright，Ibegantotalkhenmynepheedforeredtomymother:“Madame，Ibelievethatthelittleuncleisbesidehimself。Verylikelysomegodorspiritistroublinghim。ThisafternooheShries，heproposedtodsintothemuddypool。Thatmusthavecausedthetrouble。”Ioverheardthewhisperandabrightideae。Ishoutedallthemorewildly，asifIwereaeofthegodsoftheShries。Mymotherthenorderediobeburheopenand，pleadingmyyouthfulignorandirresponsibility，madeavowtooffersacrificesattheshrineshouldmyioffensebefivbythegods。

AtthatmomecamethattheLanternProroadthepeopleinourhouserushedouttoseeit。Mymotheraalone。Isoonfellasleep。Thevoarentlyworked。Ohlater，whenmymotherandIvisitedmygras，shemademeoffer，iy，ourpromisedsacrificesattheShries

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Earlyinmy13thyear（1904），Ilefthomeona7-dayjouroseeka“ion”inShanghai。Afterthatseparatioheroimesahheraltogetherabout7monthsireatloveformeshesehoutappareear，aoseekmyowioiworldallalonearmedonlywithamother’slove，ahabitofstudy，andalittleteodoubt。

&6yearsinShanghai（1904–1910）and7yearsinAmerica（1910–1917）。DuringmystayinShahroughthreesoneofwhichwasamissionaryschool）withfromany。Istudiedtherudimentsofwhatwasthenknownas“theion，”gchieflyraphy，English，mathematiegleaningsofnaturalsce。ThroughthefreetranslatioeMr。LinShuandothers，ImademyfirstacewithanumberofEnglishandEuropeannovels，ingthoseofScott，Dis，Dumaspèreandfil，Hugo，andTolstoy。Ireadtheworksofafewofthenon-andNeo-philosophersofaandmedievaldwasdelightediruismofMoTiauralisticphilosophyofLao-tzeandg-tze。

ThroughthepsofthelateMr。Liangostpowerfulwriteroftheage，IowalittleofsuthinkersasHobbes，Descartes，Rousseau，Bentham，Kant，andDarwin。Mr。LiangwasagreatadmirerofmodererncivilizationandpublishedaseriesofessaysinwhiklyadmittedthattheeseasaracehadsufferedfromthedeplorablelaaspossessedbytheEuropeaablyemphasisonpublicmorality，nationalism，loveofadveihtsandtheeagerhemagainste，loveoffreedom，abilityforself-trol，beliefiepossibilityress，capacityforcorporateanda，aobodilydhealth。Itwastheseessayswhichfirstviolentlyshockedmeoutofthefortabledreamthatouracivilizationwasself-suffidhadnothingtolearaicWestextheonsofwarandvehierce。Theyopeohuhers，airelynewvisionoftheworld。

IalsoreadMr。YenFu’stranslationofJohnStuartMill’sOyaiohics。Mr。Yen’stranslationofHuxley’sessayhadbeenpublishedin1898andhadbeeelyacceptedbythetelligentsiawithaeohaveionsmadeforwiderdistributinhtlawthewasthoughtthattheDarothesis，espeitssodpoliticalappli，wasawelulustoanatifromage-loiaandstagnation。

Inthecourseofafewyearsmaionarytermsandphrasesbecameproverbialexpressionsinthejournalistigsofthetime。Numerouspersoheminnamingthemselvesandtheir，therebyremindiheperilsofeliminatioruggleforexisteionalaswellasindividual。TheoncefamousGeneralg-mingcalledhimself“”forExistewoofmysatesboretheuralSeleg”and“StruggleforExisten。”

Evenmyowhegreatvogueofevolutionismina。IrememberdistinctlythemwhenIaskedmysedbrestaliterarynameforme。Aftero’srefle，hesaid，“Howaboutthewordshih[fithephrase‘SurvivaloftheFittest’”?Iagreedand，firsusingitasanomdeplume，finallyadopteditin1910asmyname。

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MyslightkheevolutionaryhypothesisofDarencerwaseasilylihthenaturalismofsomeoftheaesethinkers。Forexample，itdelightedmyboyishhearttofindanequallyyouthfulcobelieverofover2，ointhefollowingstorytoldize，aspuriousworkoftheTaoistschool:

“TheHouseofTienheldagreatpost-sacrificialfeastatwhichoveathousaswerepresent。Whenfishandwildduckwereofferedthehostsaidwithasigh:‘GreatisNature’skioman!Shehasproduandfishandbirdsfortheuseofman。’ThespeechlaudedbyalltheguestspresehesonoftheHouseofPao，whowasonlytwelveyearsold，steppedforwardandsaid:‘Itisnotso，mylord。Allthebeingsintheuwithmenonabasisofequality。Thereisnonaturalorderofsuperiorityaheydpreyoheronlybyvirtueoftheirsuperithandintelligenospeciesispurposelyproducedforthesakeofaoo，preyohingswhichtheyareabletoquer。HowwesaythatNaturehasproducedthemforourbe?Donotmosquitoessuckourbloodandtigersaourflesh?ShallwesaythatNaturehasproduforthebeofmosquitoesandtigersandwolves?’”

In1906afewofmysatesintheationalInstitutefoundedaperiodicalcalledTheStruggl—aahepopularityoftheDarwiniantheory—whigprimarilyiilliheuedmasses，ublishedinthepeihuaorspokenlanguage。Iwasiributetoitsfirstissue，aerIbecameitssoleeditor。Myeditorialworkonthismagazionlytodevelopanabilityihelivierarymedium，butalsotothinkout，inguageandlogicalorder，theideasandthoughtswhichhadbeentakingshapesincemychildhooddays。Inmanyofmyarticleswrittenfazironglyattackedthesuperstitionsofthepeopleandwasfranklyiodatheistic。

In1908myfamilywasifinancialdifficultybecauseofbusinessfailures。Attheageof17Ifoundmyselffaecessitymyselfatsymotherathome。IgaveupmystudiesandtaughtelementaryEnglishforoverayear，teag5hadayandregamonthlypayof80silverdollars。In1910Itaughtonths。

Thoseyears（1909–1910）weredarkyearsioryofaasersonalhistory。Revolutioinseveralprovindfailedeachtime。QuiteanumberofmyformersatesattheationalInstitute，whichwasaterofrevolutionaryactivities，wereiheseplotsandheirlives。SeveralofthesepoliticalfugitivescametoShanghaiahme。oaik，wrotepessimisticpoetry，talkeddayandnight，andoftengambledfornostakes。Weevenengagedanoldactortoteaging。OneIoemwhiedthisline:“Howproudlydoesthewintryfroststhepowerlessraysofthesun!”

DespondenddrudgerydroveustoallkindsofdissipatihtIgotdeadlydrunk，foughtolithestreet，andlandedmyselfinprisht。WhehemandsawihebruisesohislineinLiPSoomymind:“Someusemightyetbemadeofthismaterialborninme。”Idecidedtoquitteadmyfriehofhardwork，IweaketheexaminationforthescholarshipfouhereturnedAmeriportionoftheBoxerIy。IpassedtheexaminationandinJulysailedforAmerica。